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WIFE FROM ....


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I
clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife
and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your
seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
took it
off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my l icense out of my
back
pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your
seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
alway s
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
....


"Only when he's been drinking."

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area, and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."

This is why math is taught in school. I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely, and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip her off??. . . . . . . . I think not

Two women were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex," "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

Well, the brilliant blondes finally got together and got back at the brunettes for all those blonde jokes. Here's their revenge: What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A hostage. Who makes bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-Bagging it. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible. What's a brunette's mating call? "Has the blonde left yet?" Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable. Why is the brunette considered an evil color? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

After spending an hour waiting in line at the post office, a woman stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register where the clerk asked, "Cash or charge?" "Cash," the woman snapped. Then, apologizing for her rudeness, explained, "I spent an hour this afternoon at the post office just to mail a small package and I guess I'm still upset." Smiling knowingly, the clerk asked, "Should I wrap it or are you going back to the Post Office?"

Female meanings to certain words:

FINE ~ This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES ~ This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade. NOTHING ~ If you ask her what is wrong and she says NOTHING, this means something and you should be on your toes. NOTHING is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE. GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) ~ This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over NOTHING and will end with the word FINE. GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) ~ This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by NOTHING and FINE and she will talk to you in about FIVE MINUTES when she cools off. LOUD SIGH ~ This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over NOTHING. SOFT SIGH ~ Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY ~ This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO ~ This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." THANKS ~ A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say "you're welcome." THANKS A LOT ~ This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing." Please send this out to ALL men that you know just to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if remembering all the terminology.

TALK ABOUT WOMEN How to speak about Women and be politically correct: 1. She is not dumb - She is a detour off the information superhighway. 2. She has not "been around" - She is a previously enjoyed companion. 3. She is not an airhead - She is reality impaired. 4. She does not get drunk or tipsy - She gets chemically inconvienced. 5. She is not "hot to trot" - She is sexually focused. 6. She does not have implants - She is medically enhanced. 7. She does not nag you - She is merely verbally repetitive. 8. She is not "easy" - She is sexually extroverted. 9. She does not have major league hooters - She is pectorally superior. 10. She is not a two-bit whore - She is a low cost provider.

WOMANS DICTIONARY 1. “Fine” This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use “fine” to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.) 2. “Five minutes” This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade. 3. “Nothing” “Nothing” means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.” 4. “Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows) This is NOT a permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over “Nothing” and you’ll have a “five-minute” discussion that will end with the word “Fine.” 5. “Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows) This is NOT a permission, either. It means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off. 6. “Loud Sigh” This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing!.” 7. “Soft Sigh” Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer. 8. “Oh” This word—followed by any statement - is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. (“Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie). Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead,” sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can’t bring myself to write about them. 9. “That’s Okay” This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble. 10. “Please Do” This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.” 11. “Thanks” The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say “you’re welcome.” 12. “Thanks A Lot” “Thanks A Lot” is dramatically different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the “Loud Sigh.” This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next day the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m., and that he had missed his flight! Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It said, "It's 5 a.m., wake up."

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works, "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it." The women talk it over and decide to go for it. They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind". The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do, so again they head for the stairs. The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but there were still two more floors... So to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect, "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single and rich. The women seemed very pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth. When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."

Several years before the Gulf War, Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

 

What A 20-Year-Old Woman Wants In A Man

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially Successful

4. A Caring Listener

5. Witty

6. In Good Shape

7. Dresses with Style

8. Appreciates the Finer Things

9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises

10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What A 30-Year-Old Woman Wants In A Man

1. Not too ugly

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Works steady

4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting

5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down

10. Shaves on weekends

 

Judi and Monika were having a rare heart to heart talk. "What do you consider your worst vice," Judi asked.

"I don't like to admit it," Monika said, "but my worst vice is vanity. Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my face."

"I wouldn't worry about it," said Judi. "That's not vanity. That's imagination."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK.

She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER.

She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY.

She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT.

She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB.

She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND.

She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED.

She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY.

She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY.

She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD.

She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY.

She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY.

She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS.

She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU.

She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT.

She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS.

She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE.

She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

 

You Know You're A Mom When...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure
     they're equal.
2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your
     child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.
3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
5. You child throws up, and you catch it.
6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you keep eating.
7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
8. You mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and
     eggs on a plate without anything touching.
9. Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in
     the lobby of the doctor's office, or, better yet, in the lobby
     of a Grand Central Station... and you do it.
10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband
      in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking
      on the kids.
11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your
      child eats.
12. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, while your
      child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
13. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
14. You hate the thought of his wife even more.
15. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get
      that disease.
16. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual
      shapes.
17. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's
      mother.
18. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
19. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his
      first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without
      looking back the second time.
20. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.
21. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you
      say, "Not in your good clothes!"
22. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
23. You read that the average five year old asks 437 questions a day
      and feel proud that your kid is above average.
24. You say at least once a day, I'm not cut out for this job, but
      you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

 

 

Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts
The Difference...

Women have more imagination than men do. They need it to tell us how
wonderful we are.  Women have their faults. Men have only two.
Everything they say. Everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The Style...
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.  Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he
wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she
doesn't want.

The Workplace...
When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her
opinions, she's a bitch.

Women are the only exploited group in history who has been idealized
into powerlessness.

Relationships...
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend.  Now
you know which sex is smarter.

Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number
of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy.
Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either
provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has
"potential"). For a woman, commitment to this type of man means
achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves
her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up.

It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women
who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very
core of intelligence.

Love...
Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle
instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.

The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't
necessary to understand her.

To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a
little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try
to understand her at all.

Marriage...
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious. Both
are disappointed.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry
her; a man, of the woman who he didn't.

There are only two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage and after marriage.

Husbands...
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let
her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have
it. Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a
lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

Wives...
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

The Battle...
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.

On Men...
If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.

Men are like animals, but they make great pets.

On Women...
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat
women.

Women have two weapons: cosmetics and tears.

Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age.

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for
her first question.

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Revised: 01/11/18.