Interesting thoughts......... Lots of people seem to be wondering why Arab terrorists are so willing to commit suicide? Let's see if we can clear this up for you a bit: No premarital sex. No booze. No bars. No television. No radio. No Internet. No music. No organized sports, stadiums or tailgate parties. Actually, no tailgates. No Hooters. No meat from a pig. Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy in sight. Ever try to fish at an oasis? Rags for clothes and hats. Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe your butt with your left. Corn on the cob's gotta be a problem! Like life isn't complicated enough already. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no doctors. You can't shave. You can't shower. Sort of makes that left hand thing kind of important huh? Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. All this and you're taught that when you die it all gets better! Geeez who the hell wouldn't go for it?
SOUTHERN TERRORIST ADVISORY ATLANTA: The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas. So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following children: Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba, Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit, Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba, Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba, Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat, Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl, Linda Sue Bin There Dundat Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have sprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt,Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance. God is good!
It happened at a small air terminal in the Texas panhandle, three strangers awaiting their flights. One is a Native American passing thru from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Fort Worth for the stock show. The third is an arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East. To pass the time, they strike up a conversation on recent events and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the westerners learn the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on the magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows the tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane arrives. Finally the Native American clears his throat and softly he speaks... "Once my people were many, now we are few." The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward..."Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many....Why do suppose that is?" The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath the Stetson says...."That's cuz we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet!"
Two Arab terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures... "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. ..Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." ...There's a pause... The second terrorist says wistfully,,, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
Fellow Citizens As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin to see a naked woman that is not his wife. So, this 4th of July afternoon at 2:00 p.m. Eastern time all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think itís okay to see other women nude and to show support for their fellow sisters. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation. God Bless America
How to exact justice for Osama Bin Laden's crimes:
Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the CIA, Rangers, Seals or whoever covertly captures him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.
Then return 'her' to Afghanistan to live under the Taliban.
Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common? A: Nothing, yet. Q: How do you play Taliban bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1... Q: What is the Taliban's national bird? A: Duck Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone? A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble. Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? A: So they can see their Air Force. Q: What does osama bin laden and General Custer have in common? A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afganistan. "Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing or nobody can get in or out-- -virtually impenetrable." "Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," David says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock. "Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." David's father's heart swells with pride, and he looks at his boy with newfound respect. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," David says, "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."
Pay more attention next time After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee. Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!" An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, Dumb Ass. What did you think I said?"
Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. A female genie suddenly rose out of the bottle with a smile and said, "Master, I must grant you a wish!" bin Laden barked, "Hey, bitch, don't you know who I am? I don't need nothing from a woman!" The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be condemned to this bottle forever!" bin Laden thought for a moment and then, grumbling about the inconvenience of the whole thing, snapped, "Okay, okay, I want to wakeup with three white women in my bed in the morning. Think you can do that? Now scram!" The annoyed genie said, "Fine, so be it!" and vanished back into the bottle. The next morning bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hiliary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance.
Now that American B-52ís are reorganizing Afghanistanís landscape, US intelligence has discovered that the Taliban have renamed some of their towns to confuse us. These new names include: 1. Wherz-Myroof 2. Mykamel-Izded 3. Oshit-Disisabad 4. Waddi-El-Izgoinon 5. Pleez-Ztopdishit 6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi 7. Ikantstan-Disnomore 8. Wha-Tafuk-Wuzi-Tinkin 9. Myturbin-Izburnin 10. Ima-Dedshmuck
GI's New Name In World War I, American soldiers were called "Doughboys." In World War II, they were called "GIs." Today, they are called " Tali-Whackers !!"
Have you heard of the new coffee drink thatís sweeping the country? Itís called the Osama bin Latte. You take a half cup of strong, black coffee Add 2 double shots of bourbon Mix in three squares of ex-lax After consuming you will be bombed and run run run run run.
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