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A woman walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.... He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them...

Curiosity gets the better of her. She goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing...

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" she asks....

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies....

 

Things To Think About

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone.

I said, "The whole time."

So what’s the speed of dark?

How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees?

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak?

How come ‘abbreviated’ is such a long word?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when they already know you don’t have any?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adore?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?

Why does lemon juice contain "artificial ingredients" but dishwashing liquid contains "real lemons"?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as "4’s"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

 

 

Things to Ponder

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do medical "practice?"

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

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Revised: 01/11/18.