RedNeck


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Yaa might be a redneck if:

-All your family members gotta walk through a metal detector...

-You catch your granddaddy taking money from all the kids in a dice game...

-Your uncle shows up in handcuffs and tries to get you all to hide him...

-Your crack head nephew sold all your cars for $150...

-Your PDA got accidentally mixed up with the burger patties...

Yaa might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if....... yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks. Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization. Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they need bail money. Ya've ever been too drunk to chat. Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie. Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's. Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan. Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea. Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls. Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds. Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL. Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard. Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin. Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote. Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard. Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom's Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'. When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun. Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks. Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder. Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail. When ya tern yer computer on ya say "Come OOOOOOON Betsy". Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat. Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup. Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is. Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid. Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang. Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net. Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live. Ya give Derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn. Ya Think MB stands for "More Beer". Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter. Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun. Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order. Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear. Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung. Ya think IBM stands for "Idn't Betsy Marvelous" Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie It's Free" Ya Think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes. Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears. Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol' lady. Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons. Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy. Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars. Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list. Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup. Ya see the werd "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft. Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it. Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape. Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer. You's in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply "My momma" You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.

New Words: Aquadextrous (akwa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.:: Carperpetuation (kar 'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.::: Disconfect (diskonfect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming that somehow it will 'remove' all the germs.::: Elbonics (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.::: Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.::: Lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.:::: Peppier (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.:::: Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.::: Pupkus (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.::: Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

A redneck walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Budweiser and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The redneck replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The redneck becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The redneck looks quite puzzled for a moment, then light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Redneck Computer Terms . . . Bar Code Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern. Backup What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods Bug The reason you gave for calling in sick Byte What your pit bull done to cousin Jethro Cache Needed when you run out of food stamps Chip Pasture muffins you try not to step in Terminal Time to call the undertaker Crash When you go to Junior's party uninvited Digital The art of counting on your fingers Diskette Female Disco dancer Fax What you lie about to the IRS Hacker Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking Hardcopy Picture looked at when selecting tattoos Internet Where cafeteria workers put their hair Keyboard Where you hang the keys to the John Deere Mac Big Bubba's favorite food Megahertz How your head feels after 17 beers Modem What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall Mouse Pad Where Mickey and Minnie live Network Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line Online Where to stay when taking the sobriety test ROM Where the Pope lives Screen Helps keep the skeeters off the porch Serial Port A red wine you drink with breakfast Superconductor Amtrak's employee of the year SCSI What you call your week old underwear

You might be a redneck if... a.. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. b.. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. c.. You burn your yard rather than mow it d.. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. e.. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it. f.. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. g.. You come back from the dump with more than you took. h.. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. i.. Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list. j.. You’ve been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. k.. You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap. l.. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. m.. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program. n.. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. o.. You have a rag for a gas cap. p.. Your father executes the “Pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner. q.. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does. r.. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. s.. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. t.. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. u.. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart. v.. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. w.. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table. x.. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. y.. Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home. z.. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. aa.. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

MEDICAL TERMS DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LIVE: 

Artery......................The study of paintings. Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria. Barium......................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................A sheep dog. Coma........................A punctuation mark. D&C.........................Where Washington is. Dilate......................To live long. Enema.......................Not a friend. Fester......................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. Genital.....................Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates. Node........................I knew it. Outpatient..................A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test. Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative..............A letter carrier. Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery. Rectum......................Darn near killed him. Secretion...................Hiding something Seizure.....................Roman emperor. Tablet......................A small table. Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................More than one. Urine.......................Opposite of you're out Varicose....................Near by

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . . . .

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y’all watch this!"

You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya cain’t get married to yer sweetheart ‘cause there’s a law against it.

You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

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REDNECK ETIQUETTE

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.   While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.   Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.   Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DINING OUT
1.   When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2.   If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.   A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2.   Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1.   Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2.   Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:  "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
3.   Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1.   Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2.   Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.  Tests have
proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1.   Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.   Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.   For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4.   Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.

DRIVING
1.   Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles - even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.   When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
3.   Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.   When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.   Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
6.   Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
 
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1.   Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.   Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.   It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4.   If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.   Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

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Revised: 01/11/18.