The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 65 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations .
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:
Barrack Obama Sr.
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
William J. Clinton
John F. Kerry
Charles E. Schumer
This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.
I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It certainly did for me.
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" "I won First Place !," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"I won First Place too," answers Superman.. "Did you ever have a doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio
Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in
an upcoming issue.
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was
caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation
with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama as our president.
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused over any of the
choices for president put forth by the either party in the 2008 election year.
Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at
Hillary's Indian Name
They say it's a true story ...
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The
American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State ...She spoke
for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native
American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first
She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES"
for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the
Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic
about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a
plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A
news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to
select the new name given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of
shit it can no longer fly.
One day a fourth-grade teacher
asked the children what their fathers did
Didja hear about the best-selling bumper sticker?
It says, "Run, Hillary, Run!"
Democrats paste it to their rear bumper. Republicans put it on the front...
There was a much married woman who walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Well", replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk didn't know quite what to say but she finally said, "Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?"
"Well" replied the customer, more than a little put out. "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first time bride."
"You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo on our way to the reception and have not spoken since. We had that wedding annulled immediately."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"Well" said the woman, "he was a Democrat and every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."
The National Weather Service has issued a **Warning** for yet another catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Charley, Francis, Ivan and Jeanne. The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is therefore very highly unpredictable. Experts predict that this one can cause the most catastrophic damage to the United States that we can experience in four years.
They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry.
Be advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is by hiding behind a Bush.
AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT PASSES CONGRESS May 23, 2005 WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation that provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,"
said Kerry, a longtime AWNA supporter.
"This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing," said Kerry.
President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Nonabled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs.
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
Kerry was going to visit the
Catholic National Cathedral outside
PROBLEM: Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy?
Titanic or the Clinton Grand Jury Testimony Video
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist
TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill
TITANIC VIDEO: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica is forced to return her gifts
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary
Why did Bill Clinton buy Hillary Clinton an electric broom? ...So she can get to work faster...
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs, and Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for two people who for eight years repeatedly testified that they couldn't remember anything.
Future historians will be able to study at . . . the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
A few days after George W. Bush’s inauguration, a man came up to the uniformed Marine
on duty at the White House and said “I’d like to see President Clinton.” The Marine
politely answered “Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president”. The man said, “Oh, OK.” and
walked away. The next day the Marine was again on duty and the same man approached and
again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine again answered, “Sir, Mr. Clinton is no
longer president.” Again the man answered, “Oh, OK” and walked away. The next day the same
man approached the same Marine and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine, by
now a little annoyed, said “Sir, I’ve told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president. Don’t
you understand that?” “Yes, I do” said the man, “But I just enjoy hearing it.” The Marine
smiled and said, “See you tomorrow.”
In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, a
spectacular looking blonde and a big, awful looking woman.
After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark
tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they
leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by
mistake he must have put his hand on the big woman, who in turn must
have slapped his face."
The big woman thought, "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on
the blonde and she smacked him."
Bill Clinton thought, "George put
his hand on that blonde and by accident she slapped me."
George W. Bush thought, "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
slap Clinton again."
WHY I'M SO TIRED
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, Iron poor blood, and a lack of exercise, but now I found out the real reason: we're tired because we're overworked. Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces, Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes............
Ten Times in History ...when using the "F" word was appropriate...
10."What the *&%# was that?"-Mayor of Hiroshima
9."Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?"-Custer
8."Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that."-Einstein
7."It does SO *&%#ing look like her!"-Picasso
6."How the *&%# did you work that out?"-Pythagoras
5."You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?"-Michaelangelo
4."I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain."-Joan of Arc
3."Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!"-Noah
2."I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!"-JFK
1."Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?"-Bill Clinton
ANYONE CAN BE A DEMOCRAT!!
Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must have first. Compare the below and see how you rate. 1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding. 2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex. 3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists. 4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding. 5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs. 6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural. 7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand. 8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity. 9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do. 10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it. 11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars. 12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution. 13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high. 14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison. 15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't. 16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady. 17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge. 18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House. 19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal. 20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent commercial flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink. Mr. Falwell replied, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen Cuban whore, than let liquor touch these lips."
The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "My apologies, I didn't realize there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced the altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman replied, "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist. "I am," said the woman. "How did you know?" "Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded. "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multi-millionaire! Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket is very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway. If the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!
Future Florida bumper sticker: Don't blame me, I think I might have voted for Gore!
How many Floridians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. No, 17, wait, 348. Uh, could I tell you in a couple of days?
See, if the old folks in Florida could have afforded their medication, they wouldn't have gotten confused about the ballots.
Let me get this straight. These folks in Palm Beach can flawlessly track 10 Bingo cards at once, but can't find a hole at the end of an arrow on their ballot?
Maybe more people would understand the Electoral College if it had a football team.
WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS:
20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Shortest book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by William J.Clinton
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
One night a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary‘s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begin’s to pump gas into the first couple’s tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.
They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you’d be pumping gas and he would be the President."
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