An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of
the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was
speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he
was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver
would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead
and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car
and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the
deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad
car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over
to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him
doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the
drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Might as well take on to jail, there's no way in
hell I can pass that test."
"Hello, is this the Drug Enforcement Agency?"
"Yes. What is the nature of your call?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, D.E.A. agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the
shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood,
but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the DEA come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
A police car had been sent out of town on a wild goose chase and on
the return trip it passed a boy leading two donkeys. The
policeman, who was a bit of a smart aleck, slowed down and greeted
the boy sarcastically with, "Taking your brothers out for a walk,
eh"? But why are you holding the bridles so tight? Afraid they'll run
"Yes sir," replied the boy. "I really love my brothers and really
want the best for them. And see, I'm scared they'll run off and join
the police force."
THE ABSOLUTELY WORST THINGS TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER
Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many
countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures
who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things better
- Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph to keep
up with me! Good job!
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition
to be a Police Officer.
- Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
- Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my
- You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish
high school instead.
- "Bad Cop! No Donut!"
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is
no other car around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
- You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
- "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the
breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and
- Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week?
- Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
- I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
- So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
- Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday
only gave me a warning too!
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
- So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with
your gun when you were little?
- Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
- When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you
smile pretty for the video camcorder.
- Is it true that people become policemen because they are too
dumb to work at McDonalds?
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempt to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words
possible. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
1. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
3. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head
6. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
7. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not
see the other car.
8. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to
avoid the accident.
9. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
10. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.
11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an
12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
13. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
14. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of
its way when I struck the front end.
15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
16. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
17. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.
18. I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, found
that I had a fractured skull.
19. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.
20. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
21. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of
22. My pet hippo George has a big tongue, and it obscured my vision.
23. The drunk said, "All I had to drink officer was water! "How much
water?" asked the officer." The better part of a fifth." replied the drunk.
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