Old Age


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A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
 

Broke is Broke
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in
the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a real good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning!!"
What part of broke do you not understand?!?!

The perks to being over 50 years old:

-In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first...

-People will call at 9 and ask, "Did I wake you?"...

-Things you buy won't wear out...

-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations...

-You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it...

-You'll be singing along with elevator music...

-Your eyes won't get much worse...

-Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off...

-Your secrets are safe with your fiends because they can't remember them either!!

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he Turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand.  I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"  

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.  We just got off Route 127."

You know you're an aging radio DJ IF:  You were first hired by a GM who actually worked in radio before becoming a GM... You excitedly turn the radio up at the sound of "dead air" on the competitor's station... Sales guys wore Old Spice to cover the smell of liquor... You were playing Elvis' number one hits when he was alive... Engineers could actually fix things without sending them back to the manufacturer... You worked for only ONE station, and you could actually name the guy who owned it... You remember when only "hippies" listened to FM... Radio stations used to have enough on-air talent to field a softball team every summer... You're at least 10 years older than the last two GM's who fired you... You know the difference between good reel-to-reel tape and cheap reel-to-reel tape.... You have a white wax pencil, a razor blade, and a spool of 3M splicing tape in your desk drawer - just in case... You know people who actually listened to baseball games on the radio... You can post a record, run down the hall, go to the bathroom, and be back in 2:50 for the segue... You still refer to CDs as "records"... You've been married at least 3 times, or, never married at all... You answer your home phone with the station call letters.... You have several old air-check cassettes in a cardboard box in your closet that you wouldn't dream of letting anyone hear anymore, but, you'll never throw them out or tape over them... Never! You have a couple of old transistor radios around the house with corroded batteries inside them.... You were a half an hour late for an appearance and blamed it on the directions you received from the sales person.... You've run a phone contest and nobody called, so you made up a name and gave the tickets to your cousin... People who ride in your car exclaim, "Why is your radio so loud?" .. You remember when people actually thought radio was important....

Some of our old favorites have been re-released. The following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Reheated Oldies." Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now" Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Are Made For Bunions" ABBA--"Denture Queen" Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair" The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends" Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The following is the mindset of incoming freshmen into college: The people who are staring college this fall across the nation were born in 1983. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They can not fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always be on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane". They don't care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. even is. Michael Jackson has always been white. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies in your life.

Two little old ladies were driving to the grocery store. The passenger noticed that they were running red lights and blowing through stop signs. "My God, Edna, you're running all the lights and stop signs!!" "Oh!" says Edna, "Am I driving?"

INNER PEACE I am passing this on to you as It is definitely working for me. For once I truly believe I have found inner peace. I read an article today that said the way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started. Well...Today I finished off 2 bags of potato chips, a Cappuccino Pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's whiskey, a large box of chocolate chip cookies, a quart of Haggen-Daz Swiss almond mocca ice cream and then slapped the living hell out of someone I never liked. I Feel better already....

30 years...what a long strange trip:1972: Long hair 2002: Longing for hair 1972: The perfect high 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1972: KEG 2002: EKG 1972: Acid rock 2002: Acid reflux 1972: Moving to California because it's cool 2002: Moving to California because it's warm 1972: Growing pot 2002: Growing pot belly 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1972: Seeds and stems 2002: Roughage 1972: Popping pills, smoking joints 2002: Popping joints 1972: Killer weed 2002: Weed killer 1972: Hoping for a BMW 2002: Hoping for a BM 1972: The Grateful Dead 2002: Dr. Kevorkian 1972: Going to a new, hip joint 2002: Receiving a new hip joint 1972: Rolling Stones 2002: Kidney Stones 1972: Being called into the principal's office 2002: Calling the principal's office 1972: Screw the system 2002: Upgrade the system 1972: Disco 2002: Costco 1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1972: Taking acid 2002: Taking antacid 1972: Passing the drivers' test 2002: Passing the vision test 1972: Whatever 2002: DependsAs some famous rock & rollers get older, they've found their songs need a little updating to match their more mature outlook. Here are some of the revised titles: Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?" Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now" The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis" ABBA--"Denture Queen" Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair" The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends" Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising" Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, You're it. 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy. 3. 20 Questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over. 6. Doc Goose. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 10. Musical recliners.

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.” “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” ......”Twelve thirty.”

Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doctor: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ “ The Doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

Three older women are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first woman presses her forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at her curiously. "That's my pager," she says, I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The second woman lifts her palm to her ear. When she explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The third woman, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes she returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her butt. The others raise their eyebrows. She says "Oh excuse me, I am getting a fax"

SENILITY God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered ONE - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left. TWO - My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. THREE -I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. FOUR - Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded... FIVE - All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. SIX - If all is not lost, where is it? SEVEN - It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. EIGHT - Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant. NINE - I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... TEN - It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. ELEVEN - The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom. TWELVE - If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. THIRTEEN - When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? FOURTEEN - It’s not hard to meet expenses... they’re everywhere. FIFTEEN - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. SIXTEEN - These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.

With the miracle of fertility treatment, a woman was able to have a baby at the age of 65. When she was discharged from hospital, her relatives came to visit... "Can we see the baby?" they asked... "Not yet," said the 65 year old mother... Twenty minutes later, they asked again, "Can we see the baby?" "Not yet" said the mother... Another twenty minutes later, they asked again. "Can we see the baby?" "Not yet," said the mother.... Growing very impatient, they demanded, "Well, when can we see the baby then? "When it cries." "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The mother says: "Because I forgot where I put it."

YOU’RE Getting Old When…. ...1. You find yourself listening to talk radio. 2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. 3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. 4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. 5. Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy. 6. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. 7. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. 8. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. 9. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. 10. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. 11. When jogging is something you do to your memory. 12. Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair. 13. Sex becomes “All that foolishness.” 14. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. 15. All the cars behind you turn on their headlights. 16. You remember the “Rolling Stones” as a rock group not a corporation. 17. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes. 18. You actually ASK for your father’s advice. 19. You don’t know how to operate a fax machine. 20. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Warning Signs That You Need a New Life

a.. Your job requires you to wear a paper hat. b.. You consider professional wrestling a sport. c.. You know all the words to the Brady Bunch theme. d.. You don't buy National Enquirer at the checkout.... you subscribe. e.. You get unnecessary haircuts, just to have someone run their fingers through your hair. f.. You believe Oswald acted alone, except for the aliens behind the grassy knoll. g.. The first four digits of your girl/boyfriend’s phone number are 1-900. h.. You really DO read Playboy/Playgirl for the articles.

You know you're old if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

 

Where were they when I was 25.....

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the Interstate. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

 
bulletAn old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an
embarrassing problem:
"I have flatulence all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're
soundless, and they have no odor.  In fact, since I've been here,
I've passed wind no less than twenty times.  What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker.  Take these pills three times a
day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's
office:
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is
worse! I have as much flatulence as ever, and they're still soundless,
but now they smell terrible!  What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly.  "Now that
we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

 
bulletYou're Not a Kid Anymore
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

When...

* You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
* You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
* Your back goes out more than you do.
* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
   the room.
* You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
* Your are proud of your lawn mower.
* Your good friend is dating someone half his/her age... & isn't
   breaking any laws.
* Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
* You sing along with the elevator music.
* You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
* You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
* You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
* You make an appointment to see the dentist.
* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
* Neighbors borrow your tools.
* People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
* You have a dream about prunes.
* You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
* You send money to PBS.
* You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of
   deposit.
* The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of
   your pants.
* You take a metal detector to the beach.
* You wear black socks with sandals.
* You know what the word "equity" means.
* You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch
   television.
* Your ears are hairier than your head.
* You talk about "good grass," and you're referring to someone's
   lawn.
* You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
* You got cable for the weather channel.
* You can go bowling without drinking.
* You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.


bulletThe old perfesser visits his doctor for a routine check-up
and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex
life.

"Well..." the perfesser drawled, "not bad at all, to be
honest. The wife isn't all that interested anymore, so I just
cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed
at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years
old."

"My goodness, and at your age too," the doctor said. "I
hope you at least took some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I'm not senile yet, doc. I gave 'em
all a phony name."

COFFEE IN BED

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV... 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

 

At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and Our aging gracefully. these are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

 

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

 

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

 

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too- muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

 

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines wiith a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

 

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

 

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. includes a real tape of " Breaking Up Is Hard to Do. "

 

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

 

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries alot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self " is included.

 

Signs That You Are Getting Old

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any

laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

25. People send you this list.

 

 

 

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Revised: 01/11/18.