A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season
in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter
carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow,
his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his
head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I
have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful
blonde wave at him
and says "Hello".
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from,
so he asks "Do you know me?"
To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now, he thinks back to the only time he has been unfaithful to his wife
and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid,
on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped
my Butt with a wet celery.?"
She said, "No, I'm your sons math teacher."
A well-known cardiologist died, and was given an elaborate funeral. A
huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral
-- I'm a gynecologist."
A proctology intern fainted.
TALK ABOUT MEN
How to speak about Men and be politically correct:
1. He does not have a beer gut -
He has developed a liquid grain storage facility.
2. He is not a bad dancer -
He is overly Caucasian.
3. He does not "get lost all the time" -
He investigates alternative destinations.
4. He is not balding -
He is in follicle regression.
5. He is not a "cradle robber" -
He simply prefers generationally differential relationships.
6. He does not get falling-down drunk -
He becomes accidentally horizontal.
7. He does not act like a perfect, total ass -
He develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion (besides, no
one is perfect ... least of all him!).
8. He is not a male chauvinist pig -
He has swine empathy.
9. He is not afraid of commitment -
He is monogamously challenged.
10. He is not vulgar -
He is etiquette deprived.
A father and his son go into the grocery store when
upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why
there are so
many different boxes of condoms. The father replies,
see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high
school. You have
2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "What's the 6-pack for?"
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in
You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're
You have one for January, one for February, one for
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some
items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked
up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with
rocks, rocks about 2 inches in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it
was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the
open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again
if the jar was full.
They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked
up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand
filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is
your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your
partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else
was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your
house, your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the
pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend
all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have
room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to
the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your
children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner
out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the
house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set
your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then ...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor
agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course
beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly
Which proves: that no matter how full your life is, there is always
room for a beer.
A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
same speed as he was going towards the ground.
As they passed each other at 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells,
"HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
The reply came, fading towards the end,
"NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
A couple of hunters (Boudreaux and Thibodeaux) in rural Louisiana are out in the woods when Boudreaux falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Thibodeaux whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend Boudreaux is dead! what can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." ....
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Thibodeaux's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
A man went by his friends house and saw him swatting flys. He asked if
he had killed any and he said Yes, 2 males and 1 female.
Asked how he could tell the difference he said there were two on the
beer can and one on the phone!
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black
eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the
doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a
quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a
pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around,
I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my
wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's
when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like
The Real Man Test
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of
these questions. Knowing
this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching
their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly
sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an
infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and
permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching
a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of
the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you,
but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get
married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and
the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her
hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you
to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming
names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his
underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty
years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
C. Remote control.
RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW!!!
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will mark anniversaries on a calendar.
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife,"Something has just
come up.I have a chance to go fishing for a week.It's the opportunity of
a lifetime. So pack my clothes,my fishing equipment and especially my blue
silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.His wife asks,"Did you have a good trip,dear?"
He says,"Oh yes, great!But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says,"Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of
course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf
clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
and I said, "Dust!"
Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites attract.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex
drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!
64 Reasons it's great to be a guy:
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. The garage is all yours.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. You never have to clean the toilet.
23. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
24. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
25. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
26. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
27. The National College Cheerleading Championship
28. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
29. You don't have to shave below your neck.
30. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
31. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
32. Everything on your face stays its original color.
33. Chocolate is just another snack.
32. You can be president.
33. Flowers fix everything.
34. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
35. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
36. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
37. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
38. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
39. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
40. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
41. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
42. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
43. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
44. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
45. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
46. Same work....more pay.
47. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
48. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
49. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
50. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15
tries, at least in theory.
51. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
52. The remote is yours and yours alone.
53. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
54. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
55. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
56. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
57. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become
58. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and
throw it across the room.
59. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
60. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
61. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
62. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice
64. There is always a game on somewhere.
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