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At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well. Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised Lou Anne consents to more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but aha, you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more "action." Once again they enjoy each other. But, as Morris is set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

On their way to get married, the two young people are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to talk. "Could we possibly get married in Heaven?" So when St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." Then he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer...and waited...and waited...and ended up waiting for 3 months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, then SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "but we were just wondering about something. What if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" With that St. Peter became red-faced with anger and slammed his clipboard onto the clouds. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "What's wrong? OH COME ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me over 3 months to find a priest up here. Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

Before It Starts: A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." That's it! She blows her top! "You mongrel! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of telling her it's not so, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. BUT . . . If it just sits in the living room, watches TV, leaves messes, eats all the food, hogs the telephone, spends your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.




* She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
* She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
* She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
* Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
* She will never be sick -- just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
* She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for her figure.
* She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV,
painting the house, and keeping quiet.
* Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
* She will hate charge cards.
* Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, dear?"
* She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
* She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some
sewing done.
* She will love you because you're so sexy.


* She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
* She was once a model for a totem pole.
* Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
* She's a light eater.  Once it gets light, she starts eating.
* She lets you know you only have two faults.  Everything you do, and
everything you say.
* No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a
steel wool factory.
* If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.

-A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
-A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

-Marriage is a three ring circus:
            engagement ring
                 wedding ring

-Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

-When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
-When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

-My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two

-A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

-The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late
for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

-Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
  They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

-How do most men define marriage?  A very expensive way to get your
laundry done.

-A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

-A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the
husband  exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be

-A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

-Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

-The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it

-Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the

-Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your

-Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life
begins at birth.  But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and
the dog he left behind dies.

-Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned
for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?  You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there
to support me.  When my business fell, you were there.  When I got shot,
you were by my side.  When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side.  When I think about
it now.
I think you bring me bad luck!

-Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?  Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

-First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."

-Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and
the man listens.  In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors

-When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

-This guy goes to a party without his wife.  He hears this other guy say
to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar."
He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea.  So, the morning when he
and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon,

-A couple came upon a wishing well.  The husband leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too But she
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something
you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

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Revised: 01/11/18.