At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well. Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised Lou Anne consents to more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but aha, you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more "action." Once again they enjoy each other. But, as Morris is set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
On their way to get married, the two young people are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to talk. "Could we possibly get married in Heaven?" So when St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." Then he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer...and waited...and waited...and ended up waiting for 3 months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, then SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "but we were just wondering about something. What if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" With that St. Peter became red-faced with anger and slammed his clipboard onto the clouds. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "What's wrong? OH COME ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me over 3 months to find a priest up here. Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
Before It Starts: A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." That's it! She blows her top! "You mongrel! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of telling her it's not so, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. BUT . . . If it just sits in the living room, watches TV, leaves messes, eats all the food, hogs the telephone, spends your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS IN A WIFE
-A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
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