Kansas


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Its so hot in Kansas.....
 

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

 The trees are whistling for the dogs.

 The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

 Hot water now comes out of both taps.

 You can make sun tea instantly.

 You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding
iron.


 The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little
chilly.

 You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your
car.
 

 You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
 

 You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

 You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
 

 Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, 'What if I get
 knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?'
 

 You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
 

 The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is
 pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
 

 Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying boiled eggs.

 The cows are giving evaporated milk.
 

 The Baptists have started sprinkling.
 

The Methodists are using a wet wash cloth.
 

 The Presbyterians are giving rain checks.
 

 The Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.

 

 

Kansas according to Jeff Foxworthy:


If you're proud that your region makes the national news at least 96 times each year because it's the hottest or the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Kansas.



If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Kansas.



If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Kansas.



If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Kansas.



If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Kansas.



YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Kansan WHEN "Vacation" means going east or west on I-70 for the weekend.



If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Kansas.



If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Kansas.



If you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you might live in Kansas.



If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Kansas.



If you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings), you might live in Kansas.



If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Kansas.



If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Kansas.



If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Kansas.



If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Kansas.



If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Kansas.



If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in Kansas.



If you were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.., you might live in Kansas.



If Going Down South means Oklahoma, you might live in Kansas.



If a brat is something you eat, you might live in Kansas.



If your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed, you might live in Kansas.



If your idea of going out to eat is a tail gate party every Friday, you might live in Kansas.



If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car; you might live in Goodland, Kansas.



If you find 0 degrees to be "a little chilly", you might live in Kansas.
 

An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day. However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news: The mule died." "Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the mule." "What ya gonna do with a dead mule?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" "I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kansas Humor

You know you're from Kansas if:

1. You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.

2. You never met any celebrities. (Bob Dole isn't a celebrity, he's your neighbor.)

3. You know the meaning of Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

4. Your closest neighbor is more than a mile away, and you can still see him from your front porch.

5. You can properly pronounce Salina, Basehor, Schoenchen, Kechi and Osawatomie.

6. Going on vacation means going to Hutch to the fair, Abilene to Ikes house or Boot Hill to see Miss Kitty.

7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.

8. A traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

9. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F150 4x4 is. (except in Johnson County)

10. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

11. The terms Sooners and Huskers cause the hairs on the back of your neck to stand up straight and your blood pressure to rise. GO K-STATE

12. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

13. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

14. You are not surprised to find movie rentals, ammunition and bait all in the same store.

15. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.

16. You have been asked, Where is Toto more than once.

17. You prefer the Little Apple over the Big Apple as a place to live. ANY DAY

18. You had at least one summer job that was bucking bales or custom cutting.

19. You understand the difference between 3.2 and 6 point and more than once you've made a beer run to another state. HELL YEAH

20. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

21. Your school classes have been canceled because of the cold.

22. You know in your heart that K-State can beat Nebraska in football.

23. Traffic congestion is ten cars waiting to pass a combine on the highway.

24. You have had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

25. You know everything goes better with Ranch.

26. You call that smell coming from the feedyards...Money.

27. Your school classes have been canceled because of the heat.

28. You complain that you can not see Scott City...And you are in Dighton!

29. You know that Mt. Oread is really only just a hill.

30. You have seen people wear bib overalls to funerals and weddings.

31. You have ridden the school bus for more than an hour each way. THE BINKY BUS

32. Over 50% of your wardrobe is purple. (GO K-STATE)

33. In August you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7a.m.

34. You instantly know someone is from Johnson County when they call everything west of Topeka... Western Kansas.

35. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

36. You know the real way to pronounce the name of Clintons state and the river... arKANSAS.

37. You think the opening day of pheasant season is a national holiday.

38. You NEVER liked Norm Stewart.

Finally, you are 100% Kansan if you have ever had this conversation:

You wanna pop? Yeah. What kind? Dr. Pepper.

 

To all of you who are from Kansas . . . or are somehow associated with it.

 

This is CLASSIC!

 

You know that you're from Kansas when...

 

During a storm you check the cattle before you check the kids.

 

You are related to more than half the town (or church?!!).

 

You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.

 

Your car breaks down outside of town and news of it gets back to town before you do.

 

Without thinking, you wave to all oncoming traffic.

 

You don't put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather.

 

There's a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it.

 

The local gas station sells live bait.

 

You don't buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.

 

You go to the State Fair for your family vacation.

 

You get up at 5:30 a.m. and go down to the coffee shop.

 

You're on a first name basis with the county sheriff.

 

When little smokies are something you serve on special occasions.

 

You have the number of the Co-op on speed dial.

 

All your radio preset buttons are country.

 

You try to find the cheapest room rates when going out of town.

 

Using the elevator involves a grain truck.

 

Your mayor may also be your garbage hauler, barber, or insurance salesman.

 

You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

 

You call the wrong number and talk to the person for an hour anyway.

 

Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out.

 

You know cow pies aren't made of beef.

 

You wake up when it's dark and go to bed when it's still light.

 

You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.

 

You can tell it's a farmer working late in his field and not a UFO.

 

Your nearest neighbor is in the next area code.

 

You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they are

still on the stalk.

 

You know the code names for everyone on the CB.

 

You can eat an ear of corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds.

 

You wear your boots to church.

 

It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it's clear across town.

 

You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of feed lot apart.

 

The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him.

 

You go to Wal-Mart for your Saturday shopping.

 

You know what it's like as a child to sit and pray to the radio they'd

announce your school had a heat or a snow day.

 

You know how to play Hit the Tumbleweed.

 

You know the difference in the pronunciations of the word Arkansas when

speaking of the state or the river.

 

You know the difference in the pronunciation of the word El Dorado when

speaking of the actual city or the mythical city.

 

You never have to ask the question, "What's a Jayhawk?"

 

 

Your main drag in town is two blocks long.

 

You defend the beauty of being able to see the next town which is 20 miles

away.

 

You say pronounce the word "W-A-S-H" as "W-A-R-S-H"

 

 

 

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Revised: 01/11/18.