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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day...

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy...

"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world!"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world!"

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,

"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"


Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."


The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

 
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your  Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Baked Stuffed Chicken When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try. BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN 6-7 lb. chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup uncooked popcorn salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the Neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

There was a bear and a rabbit walking together in the woods when they came upon a special frog in the bushes. The frog told them that he would grant them each 3 wishes but they had to wish them right now they couldn't spread them out. So the bear wished that all the bears in his woods were women except for him. The rabbit wished for a helmet. the bear then wished that all the bears in the next set of woods were women. The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. then the bear wished that all the bears in the world were women except for him. then the rabbit said "I wish the bear was gay" and got on his motorcycle and put on his helmet and drove away.

The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 71. Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Dough boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought that he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Dough boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

 

At a buffet, a man suddenly called out, “My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!” A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, seized the boy’s testicles, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. “Thank you! Thank you!” the father cried. “Are you a paramedic?” “No,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”

 

THE GOOD, THE BAD and THE UGLY
- Submitted by Ronald W. Hayashi
------------------------------------

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

 

"The Redneck"
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
   To keep the nervous father-to-be- busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and
said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing?"

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.  "Whoa there Scotty!" said
the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet
another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in
a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another
one in there!" cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do you
think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

 

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I
couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for
a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, "he said. "I also drink a case of
whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

 

SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS:

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

23. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

24. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

 

Biology Six to One
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the
organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions,
expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think
that is a proper question to ask me.  I assure you my parents will
hear of this."

With that she sat down red-faced.  Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on
Miss Johnson and asked the same question.  Miss Johnson, with
composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins.  "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three
things to say to you.  One, you have not studied your lesson.  Two,
you have a dirty mind.  And three, you will some day be faced with a
dreadful disappointment."

WHERE AM I?
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when
an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze
the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to
the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled,
drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. T
he sign said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said,
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his
map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC
(Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how
the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their
position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the
MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct
but completely useless answer."

 

A fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a
friend.  He's never seen a train before. So one day, while standing in the
middle of the tracks, he hears a whistle but he doesn't know what it is.
Predictably he's hit, but only a glancing blow and is thrown to the side
of the tracks with minor injuries.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he 's at his friend's house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen he hears the teakettle
whistling. He grabs a baseball bat and bashes the kettle into an
unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend rushes into the kitchen, see what's happened and asks, "Why'd
you ruin my good teakettle?"

The desert guy replies, "Man you gotta kill these thing when they're
small."

                 YOU'RE THE CRAZY ONE  
              --------------------------------------
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and
he hears  all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen!
Thirteen!

Quite curious about this,  he finds a hole in the fence, and looks
in.  Someone inside pokes him in the eye.  Then everyone inside
the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a
carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

                     YOUR FAVORITE PASTIME

              ------------------------------------
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided
to conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose
to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.

The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people,
so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment
building near the university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.

"Sir, what is your name ?" ; asked the student

"John" ,

"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know
  what is your favorite pastime ?"

"Watching bubbles in bath," Came the reply.

He liked the esoterically answer and continued down the hall, until he
came to the next door, when he asked again.

"Sir, what is your name ?"

"Jeff !" ,

"Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime ?"

"Watching bubbles in bath," was the answer.

Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of
people in the building and and all of them had the same pastime
"watching bubbles in bath".

He left the building and walked across the street where there were several
row houses to continue the survey.

At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl
opens the door.

Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"

"Bubbles !"

You'll Never Hear...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Things you'll never hear your father say:

10.  Well how 'bout that?... I'm lost!  Looks like we'll have to stop
and ask for directions.

9.   You know Pumpkin,  now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for
non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8.   I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours"
attitude.... I like that in a young person!

7.   Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car.  GO CRAZY!!!

6.   What do you mean you  want to play football?  Figure skating not
good enough for you, son?

5.   Your mother and I are going away for while.  You might want to
consider throwing a party.

4.   Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car.  Probably one of
those doo-hickie thingies - you know - that makes it run or something.
Just have it towed to the mechanic's and pay whatever they ask.

3.   No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an
earring - now quit your belly aching and lets get to the mall.

2.   Whaddaya want to go and get a job for?  I make plenty of money
for you to spend.

1.  Father's Day?  Ah - don't worry about that - it's no big deal.

 

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines.  He had
finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southhampton, England,
there to board a train bound for a few days in London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
train, looking for an empty seat.  The only seat unoccupied was
directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being
used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and
said, "You Americans.  You are such a rude class of people. Can't you
see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog in the opposite seat.

Again he asked, "Please, lady.  Can I sit there?  I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not
only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant.  Imagine!"

The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again
asked if he could please it down.  The lady said, "Not only are you
Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate."

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in
the empty seat.

An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir,
you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your autos on
the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong
bitch out of the window !

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