There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, ďIím chopping down the next tree I see. I donít care whether itís decorated or not!Ē
A southern lady goes into the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, " O my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists."
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and...... Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
From Santa.............. I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us such as: 1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It." Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP. I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP. THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE, BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT. TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION, THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION. SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE. I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES, PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES. I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND, 'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND. I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE. BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES.... HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE. MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP. MAY YOUR POTATOES ! 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP, MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE, MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
Halloween Titles Robbers who got away with it - Hugh Dunnit..... Mysterious Murders - Ivor Clue........ Keeping snake pets - Sir Pent........ The Omen - B.Warned..... Chased by a werewolf - Claude Bottom...... The bad tempered werewolf - Claudia Armoff..... The Vampire's victim - E.Drew Blood..... Never make a witch angry - Sheila Tack.... Ghost stories - I.M. Scared.... Going on a witch hunt - Count Miout... I saw a witch in the mirror - Douglas Cracked.... The greediest monster in the world - Buster Gutt... The vampire hanging on the cliff - Alf Hall... The hungry yeti - Aida Lott... When a wizard knocks at your door - Wade Aminit... Don't go near a vampire - Al Scream... Tracking monsters - Woody Hurt... I met the Abominable Snowman - Anne Tarctic.... Monsters I have known - O.Penjaw... My best friend, the Witch - Anne Otherwitch... Foaming at the mouth - Dee Monic.... Wizard from another world - A.Lee-En... I saw a witch - Denise R.Knockin... In the witch's cauldron - Mandy Ceased... Boo - Terry Fied.... I met a vampire - Pearce Nex... The ghost of a witch - Eve L. Spirit... How to feed werewolves - Nora Bone... Black Magic - Sue Pernatural... Witch's Coven - De Ville Worshipper... Terrible Spells - B.Witcher... Collecting reptiles - Ivor Frog... How to be a witch - Ruth Less... Swallowing Dr Jeckyll's Potion - Iris Keverything... I saw a vampire - Ron Fast... A ghost in my house - Olive N.Fear... Collecting Mosquitoes - Lara Bites... How to escape from a witch - Shelby Lucky... How to keep a vampire from your house - Dora Steele... Make money from rich wizards -Marie Mee... When to go witch hunting - Mae B. Tomorrow... Houseful of ghosts - Roxie Horrer... Bungee jumping with monsters - Wade R. Go... A wizards biography - Eli D. Constantly... The hungry giant - Ethan D.Lot... Escape from the vampire - Jess N Time... I caught the Loch Ness Monster - Janet A. Bigwun... My crystal ball - Thea Lot... How I became a werewolf - Olive Alone... Catching Villians - Laura Norder...
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