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If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!(I did!)

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears..
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the
dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'


A Frog Goes Into a Bank 'Ms. Whack,' he says, 'I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat.' Patti furrows her brow and asks, 'Well, how much do you want to borrow?' '$25,000,' the frog says. The teller writes this down, then asks his name. 'My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm the son of Mick Jagger.' 'Really?' she asks, eyebrow raised. 'Yes,' he says. Then he digs into his pants pocket and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant. 'And I want to use this as collateral.' 'Ummm, okay,' Patti says, accepting the elephant. 'I'll have to ask the loan manager about this.' 'That's fine,' he says. 'He'll vouch for me.' Patti walks into the loan manager's office and explains the situation. 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $25,000 to buy a boat. He wants to use this' - she holds up the tiny pink elephant - 'as collateral. I mean, what the heck is this thing?' The loan manager says: 'It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went

by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic

was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run

over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the

sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all

of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign

that said:


Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said,

"You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school

crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again,

the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:


And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and

called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked

the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for

me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He

was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to

have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls

from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to

call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put

up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since

then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the

phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that

farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be

something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw

the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in

large yellow letters were the words:




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Revised: 01/11/18.