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bulletA blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate

One day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She

carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two

cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the

vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude

bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer,

clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle

yelling, "What is going on here?"



"My car broke down, officer" says the woman, calmly.



"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard

Pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the officer.

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

 

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
 

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her blonde boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on her face....

 The secretary walks up to her and asks if she needs help....

 "Yes!" she says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

 Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper....

 Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking

one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first

on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and

shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!

You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.

We're going at night!"

 

bulletA blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls

your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

 

bulletA highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding

car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that

the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing

that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,

the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his

bull horn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

 

bulletA blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."

 

bullet1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

(You have to hollow out the head.)

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?

(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

(They drowned during Spring Training.)

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

(To see what was on the other side.)

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?

(The cow stepped on her.)

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?

(Bobbing for French fries.)

8. Why do blondes have more fun?

(They're easier to amuse.)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

(Frosted flakes.)

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?

(She missed.)

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?

(Data transfer.)

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?

(Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?

(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light

bulbs?

(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

16. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?

(You get to park in the Handicapped Zone)

 

bullet

Norman and his wife live in Calgary Canada. One winter morning while listening to

the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10

centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side

of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and

moves her car. 

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,

“We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your

car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get

through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

 The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer

says “We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must

park...........” then the electric power goes out.

 Norman’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says,

“Honey, I don’t know what to do.” Which side of the street do I need to

park on so the plow can get through? “ 

With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are

married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave it in

the garage this time?”

bulletA blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde

joke?" The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that

joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you

should know five things...

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional

weightlifter.

Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,

and

Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in

karate, and a very bad attitude!

"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that

joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not if

I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

bulletAs a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.  As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

bulletA man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

bulletHear about the blonde who. * Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. * Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. * Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter. * Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months. The box had said "2 to 4 years." * Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. * Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. * When asked what the capital of California was, answered "C." * Can't make KoolAid because eight cups of water won't fit into one of those little packets. * Got hurt when she fell out of the tree while raking leaves. * Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "Good up to 20 pounds." * After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms. (HAHAHAHA) * What goes "vroomscreechvroomscreech"? A blonde at a flashing red light. * Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain, and the top is down."

bulletA blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,

           and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,

            you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going

to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almostanything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

bulletThree blonds were board one day so they deceided to buy a puzzle. Well they worked on that puzzle for three weeks and when they finaly finished it they deceided to go out and celebrate.At the bar they kept giving each other high fives and yelling 58. Finaly the bartender asked them what they were doing and they explained that they bought this puzzle and it only took three weeks to finish and the box said 5 to 8 years!

bulletHow do you know if a blond has been on your computer and has made a mistake? theres whiteout on the screen!

bullet

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss,
concerned about all of his employees well being, asked sympathetically
. . . What's the matter? To which the blonde replies. . . "Early this
morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The
boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl, "Why
don't you go home for the rest of the day. We aren't terribly busy
just take off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states "No. I'd
be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best
chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to
work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know.

" Well. . . . . a few hours have passed and the boss decides to check
on the blonde. . . he looks out over his office and sees the blonde
hysterically crying!!!!!!! He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now .
. . are you going to
be okay??" "No...." exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call
from my sister and she said that her mom died too!"

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter
tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple
question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy!  It's the holiday in November when
everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the
same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we
put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of
Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells
her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde.
He asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I
know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last
supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one
of his disciples.  The Romans took him to be crucified and he was
stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a
cross with nails through his hands.  He was buried in a nearby cave
which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues,
"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and,
if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

bullet

A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail,
saying "21" "21" "21".

A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her.  She also starts
jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".

Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the
tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place.

The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, 22" "22"
"22".


bullet

A farmer is giving his Blonde wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to
do some business.

"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of
the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so's you know which one I want
him to impregnate."

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the
instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the "Inseminator" arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him
out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"There's the nail so this is the cow right here." she tells him.

"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.

Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."

bullet

Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio?  It took her two
weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

bullet

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.  "Where are you
hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor. "Be a little more
specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow,  that hurts."

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts,
too."

Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts," she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you
a natural blonde?"

"Yes doctor!  But why do you ask?" she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."

 

bulletThis blonde was driving down an old country road when she
spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat.  She
pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car.
Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to
watch the woman for a while.

When she could not stand it any more she called out to the
blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle
of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because
it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She
yells at the blonde in the field. "It is dumb blondes like
you that give the rest of us a bad name."  The blonde in the
field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and
shook her fist at blonde in the field yelling, "If I could
swim, I would come out there and kick your tail!"

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Revised: 01/11/18.