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A new study shows acupuncture is very effective. I tried acupuncture. They stuck pins in my arms, my nose, my legs, my chest. I went home -- my voodoo doll had died.

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backwards poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't
looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm
wonderful, or should that be I'm strange and you're wonderful?

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Having an out of body experience. Back in five.

If at first you don't succeed, maybe parachuting isn't for you.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they
go flying by.

Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.......

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.......

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves.

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You are here: X

Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. --

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good
with ketchup.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on
your computer.

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Revised: 01/11/18.